• Will Reierson

Salty Dogs


I wanted to have a play a good old-fashioned pirate voice and thought "what better way to do it than in an audio blog?" In this particular tale, an ex-pirate and a royal navy captain have trouble coming to terms with each other as the ship falls apart around them.


Here's the script so you can compare it to the finished product!



The scene opens on a navy vessel sailing out of a bay



GEORGE:

Ah, it’s good to be out to sea again. Isn’t that right Stevenson? Stevenson?



We hear snoring coming from off to the side.



GEORGE (cont):

Stevenson! Wake up, you old sot!



George kicks Stevenson



STEVENSON:

*groans* What the bloody hell was that for?


GEORGE:

We’re not halfway out of the bay and you’re already piss drunk, passed out on the deck!


STEVENSON:

Wha- no I ent’


GEORGE:

Some sailor you are!


STEVENSON:

I’ll have you know *hic*, I’ve sailed from sea to sea, across the seven, and there ent' a ship I’ve seen that I ent' sunk, so you can shut yer bleedin’ gob.


GEORGE:

Well, perhaps you thought you were something back in your pirate days, but in his Majesty's navy, we have higher standards.


STEVENSON:

High standards, eh?


GEORGE:

Of course!


STEVENSON:

Then would you kindly explain why your first mate is swinging upside down in the rigging like a piss-soaked clarinet?


GEORGE:

I’m sorry, a piss-soaked what?


STEVENSON:

Clarinet! It’s a type o’ bird, ent’ it?


GEORGE:

I think you’ll find that a “clarinet” is actually a type of wind instrument-


1st MATE:

(OS) AHHHHHHH!


STEVENSON:

See? What’d I tell ye?


GEORGE:

Cummings? What the bloody hell are you doing?


STEVENSON:

Rediscovering his fruit-bat heritage by the looks of it.


GEORGE:

Oh, shut up you muttonhead. Will someone get Cummings down?!


STEVENSON:

I’d help, but apparently, I’m too busy being a useless drunk.


GEORGE:

You ARE a useless drunk! You’re a washed-up pirate who fell overboard while forcing one of your men to walk the plank. If it weren’t for me, you’d still be rotting in a Peruvian jail cell stinking of Bananas, you half-baked excuse for a sea dog.


1st MATE:

HEEELLLLLP


STEVENSON:

Would ye look at that, he’s mimicking the cry of his species.


GEORGE:

You’re all idiots! All bloody useless! I’ll do it myself!



There is the sound of a pistol being cocked



STEVENSON:

Ah, Captain, I’m not positive that a pistol is going to-



There is a crack as the pistol fires and misses, splintering wood.



GEORGE:

Damn, missed!


STEVENSON:

Is your idea of solving the problem shooting yer first mate? Not that I’m disagreeing with yer methods, it just doesn’t seem in your character.


GEORGE:

No you mentally defective ape-brained cretin! I’m simply trying to hit the rope he’s attached to! ...say, do you smell burning?


CREWMEMBER:

CAPTAIN! There’s a fire in the powder room!


STEVENSON:

I bleedin’ told you that smoking during your inspection was a bad idea!


GEORGE:

Right. I concede that I may have made an error in my judgment on that occasion. ABANDON SHI-



A massive explosion as the powder ignites and erupts.

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